pensieve.

20.

2011-06-25T00:38:00.000+02:00

do you know this feeling, when everyone around is so happy, merry and positive, all is going very well, you're having lots of laugh and inside you're just getting sadder and sadder.

I'm experiencing this kind of feeling these days. all is good, I don't have huge problems (except people owing me money), health is well (for now), I'm done with my paper, that'll get me undergraduate degree, I'm discovering whose line is it anyway and all its man-satellites, we (mostly) have beautiful summer in Cracow... but inside something is wrong.

inside I'm sad, sadder than always. I'm watching all the great guys around me and I really do believe, that I'll never be happy with any of them or any similar to them. it's not fake modesty, it's just sane thinking. and it's something I'm pretty sure my friends would punch me in the face for.

and all I want is a guy who would make me laugh.

19.

2011-03-01T21:03:00.000+01:00

each and everyone of us can be replaced. this may be sad, harsh, but it's true, whether we like it or not.

we love to think that for our friends we're (and they're) irreplaceable. I also used to think that people very close to me can never be replaced. but if I learned anything over the past few years - everything can happen. and you can lost people, you were sure you never lose. first time is painful, really hard. second time you're too tired to put up a fight, later you wish you had. third time, 4 years after second, you're too old to change and demand somebody else to change. maybe you're trying to determine where in 5 stages of grief (over lost friend) are you now. and you don't know, you have absolutely no idea. you don't recall bargaining and depression, is it possible to skip from denial and anger straight to acceptance?

tbc?

18.

2011-02-04T22:09:00.001+01:00

I was thinking lately (actually, I do that a lot these days) that I miss having feeling in my life. these feelings, which make people floating above the ground. being infatuated, excited, fascinated with somebody. I really missed that feeling.

but I just realized this feeling came back. and, of course, it's connected with this new TV show I discovered - 30 rock. maybe it's pitiful that I fell for some guy from tv (Jack Donaghy, love me 4ever), but at least I'm really contented, if not happy.

I'm watching season after season now and at last I'm not thinking about problems, lost friends etc.

I'm fine. I'm good.

17.

2011-01-24T20:31:00.001+01:00

it was long, long, LONG time since I was here for the last time. but today a friend of mine reminded me that I had a blog written in English. and (WOW!) he sometimes was actually reading it. well - that makes two of us. and, because I'm all the time really missing using English - here I am. again. 16 months later. and in another room, though in the same flat, yay.

a while ago I read some of my entries again. and, well - some things in my life are different now. for instance, my Swedish studies showed me, that I REALLY like Ukrainian. and don't want to resign AT ALL. and I didn't. I'm still there. hoping for masters degree. hoping to be translator. I shouldn't say that right now I'm supposed to read an article and tomorrow talk about it with my Ukrainian literature "teacher" :) no, no, let's forget about it.

funny fact: I'm still watching M*A*S*H. of course now I'm almost done with 8th season. and still loving it. and still loving Hawkeye Pierce.

and I just couldn't help, but wonder: when I'll write here again? ;-)

writing in English - I really have missed you!

oh, well, I wanted to mention here, that right now this is my only pensieve, 'cause I deleted my horkruks.info domain. my soul feels fine, thank you.

PS. while reading my past entries I thought that it wasn't all that bad. some stuff I actually really liked.

16.

2009-09-07T00:14:00.002+02:00

it'll be fast entry.

I'm in Cracow now, which makes me quite happy. I got brand new laptop and I love it. its name is: Franek (EN: Frank) Junior (my first laptop's name was also Franek, second hasn't got name, maybe that's why it broke down?).

currently I try hard (?) to pass second year in Ukrainian philology. I got 3 exams left. tomorrow I'm writing rather hard paper (and have to write it if I want to study this further) and I really, really hope, that I really understand what I think I understood while learning. we'll see.

it's past midnight here and I must say I'm a bit hungry, but my fridge is empty. got only remnants of mayonnaise and cheese. will shop tomorrow.

and I'm surprised that yesterday I upgraded mine wordpress WITHOUT any problems! just need to work new theme out and it'll be REALLY perfect!

also I got ambivalent feelings. there are 2 great concerts (free!) here, but probably I'll be home then. well, at least at first (19th Sept.), 'cause I hope I get here to the second (27th Sept.).

I sometimes (rarely) wonder if ANYBODY reads it? rhetorical question.

15.

2009-07-22T13:22:00.003+02:00

well, and it's two months later now. I was a bit busy since then, so wasn't writing here at all. but now I'm free, got summer holidays and I could use my brain a little and externalize myself here a little.

I successfully repeated my high school exams in German and did 20% better. this little success allowed me to begin my second studies and from October on I start Swedish philology. it's kinda my dreams came true, but I don't know, I'm a bit scared and concerned.

two months and one day later

and yet another month came by. I just created and deleted livejournal account, and decided that I prefer to stay here.

next week I'm going back to Cracow. well, only for 2 weeks, but I'm happy, 'cause then only two weeks and I'll be there permanently (almost). and, of course, I'll be dying to get back home later. you can't always get what you want, that's for sure.

14.

2009-05-15T15:26:00.004+02:00

I'm over my monthly data transfer limit and now my Internet has max. speed of 32 KB/s. and right now it's slower than Cohen's ballads. I hardly can browse websites and play MafiaWars and Texas HoldEm Poker on Facebook. for the record - YES, I'm a Facebook addict.

anyway my week was rather good. I need to catch up a little as it comes to my classes, but I'll be OK. on Thursday I was on a discussion about Ukraine and it's future. it was really interesting and the panelists were just great, e.g. Oleksandr Doniy, who is one from Verkhovna Rada deputies. there were of course questions from the audience and some girl from Ukraine asked for whom should she vote during presidential election in the Ukraine. I also we found out, that in their electoral law they can vote against all candidates. that's a clever option! [that I wrote yesterday] and her second question was, whether it wouldn't be so bad at all if there won someone, who came out to be a dictator and ruled their country. and it occured to me how desperate they have to be, if some of them have such thoughts. and they know history, they know what happened. of course, one always thinks 'bout best course of action, however usually worse course of action happens.

I wish I wrote more, but can't find appropiate words on theme friendship. but they will come, won't they?

13.

2009-05-04T02:03:00.003+02:00

I've been trying hard to write down my thoughts onto my "first blog". but at the moment I'm incapable of doing it. and it pisses me off a bit, because I started couple times and each single time I was deleting what I wrote. sometimes it's hard to humour myself. not to mention others.

recently I've been watchin' a lot of stargate: atlantis. and it just feels right to me. I feel fine. like my mate said once: I'm among friends. yeah, I am. I do not have to think 'bout reality, problems, sicknesses, university etc. lately I enjoy being between border of dreams and reality. I lay on my bed, close my eyes and I'm sailing away.

geez, my computer is annoying me! after I tried to clean keyboard it stopped to work properly and sometimes it doesn't react to my actions. and also it has got too little RAM. and I have no money to buy more. and I've got to buy new mouse. money makes the world go round... (e.g. "o"-key is not always reacting the way it should)...

well, it's almost 2.30 AM, I think I go get some sleep.

I don't know why it's easier to write about nothing in English than in Polish?

12.

2009-04-19T18:44:00.002+02:00

I think I can't get any lazier... actually I reached that point, where I think I'm sick of doing nothing. yep, being at home is fun, but... I'm getting SO lazy, that it sickens me. but thankfully (I wrote that?!) tomorrow I'm going back to Cracow and move on. don't get me wrong, I love being at home since I spend most of the year somewhere else. but too much laziness and too little doing NOTHING - has to piss me off.

and I have totally no idea what to do for "long may weekend". this year it's not even long. 1st May is on Friday - I have it free anyway and the 3rd is (0bviously) on Sunday. so it's "long". but the whole Poland will barbecue and drink beer these days. OK, some of Poles will go somewhere. for instance my friend goes to Prague. and I envy her a little. ;) but who know, maybe with my friends from uni we finally decide to take our asses to Ukraine? well, it could be great to go there and maybe when coming back (we have to go through my town) I'd stay for couple days and learn for mine repeated high school final exams (yep, we CAN REPEAT IT!) in German. gosh, I used to love this language. and now... don't.

ok, let's end this. :) bye!

11.

2009-04-11T17:40:00.002+02:00

10.

2009-03-26T21:18:00.002+01:00

coffee to go is one of the greatest humanity's inventions. well OK, that's a HUGE exaggeration, but could you think of anything nicer than hot mug of delicious coffee when walking through cold and windy streets? although today was rather warm it's still nice to walk with nice smelling, steaming, big tiger latte.

I was thinking today... if I would say my family all my plans and ideas for living they most probably would think I'm crazy, it changes so often. the funniest is that I totally don't know how I'll finally end. ;)

and now instead of learning I'm writing this and watching M*A*S*H. I can't understand myself.

9.

2009-03-23T16:52:00.004+01:00

nope, it's not an addiction! I'm visiting my Grandma and Grandpa right now. and by the way twittering and facebooking a bit. slowly I'm goin' out of tea. can't get a mug big enough ;-)

I just want to post it something, because the whole day it was popping up in my head and I was of course off line, I wish I had something to write when I'm outside. maybe instead of iPod classic I should have bought iPod touch? argh.

from yestarday's evening I'm listening to Kate Hewlett all the time. I just love her 2 tracks published on ReverbNation! and looking forward to her EP, hope it'll be on iTunes or somewhere from where I could purchase it.

check it out, anybody (?!)

and tomorrow I'm going back to the reality, sigh. I almost forgot about all the study-things I'll have to deal with. almost.

8.

2009-03-21T18:59:00.002+01:00

slowly I'm starting to think that I want to leave Poland. at least for a while. I really seriously think about Canada. rather Vancouver than Toronto. and also I'm considering (yeah, "considering") Sweden.
surely, before Sweden I need to learn some Swedish, right? and possibly get licentiate in Ukrainian. honestly I don't think I manage to obtain master's degree in it, I don't feel it interests me anymore... I hope I'll get recruited onto Swedish Philology here. if not... I don't want even think about it, it'll be DISASTER!
geez, I'm sleepy, I've no idea why the moment I got home I can't go sleep earlier at 3PM? some weird timing in here.
so, I'm going back to think.

7.

2009-03-15T16:43:00.002+01:00

well, it seems, that Sundays are my days for writing here. and again it can be good old Sunday - staying up late and watching SGA, later probably some learning. ;)

I finally managed to pass my Old Church Slavonic exam. this time, for a change, we all did it. no repeats, no spending money for repeating this classes next year, yay! so just two more things to pass... and I'll have winter session behind. but to be honest, I think I made some wrong choices as it comes to deal with it. wise after damage, of coure. just read, that I wrote all here already. but hey, some thinks does not change by now.

and I have to make a poster for my friend, who is working by Erasmus Student Network... I wish it wasn't only in Europe. ;) I hope it'll be fine...

6.

2009-03-08T12:34:00.002+01:00

I just can't collect my thoughts and write post on my polish blog. so I've decided to write something here and do a little warm-up.
actually I felt like writing here on Thursday evening. and because I had my exam on Friday - didn't do it. now I can only regret not doing this, because I didn't pass it either. and now my vein is just a memory.
as it comes to my failed exam in Old Church Slavonic - thankfully (???) I've got just one last chance this week. and if I fail this time I'll be repeating it next year. of course if I decide NOT to abandon Ukrainian Philology. right now I've got about million ideas about my future, e. g. continue it somewhere in Canada, leave it and start learning Swedish, leave it and Swedish and go to Canada... I don't really know. but... still got a lots of time. ;)
yep, and after exam I should have passed already I was going to watch some Stargate Atlantis this weekend. I obviously like torturing myself and do it after I finally will have it behind me. passed or no, whatsoever.
today I'll be having lazy Sunday (as always...). I'll write some emails and maybe finally watch M*A*S*H the Movie?

5.

2009-02-22T19:08:00.001+01:00

i did it! it works! ohhh, what a relief! I hope that theme-from-my-dream-at-the-moment will work :) if I'll be able to upload it at all.

4.

2009-02-22T15:35:00.000+01:00

still nothing, still fighting, still trying to upload wordpress, still unsuccessful. about 8% of "uploaded" files didn't achieve their target. fuck. maybe it's not much, but hey - i need them all! and I was so happy about havin' my blog on my own server and now it's all gone. still I hope I won't have (can I say that?) to get new blog somewhere else. at least I paid for this 600 MB of space and I should use it somehow, especially now, when my site is closed and guarded by Jack ;-) and it all started when some really neat theme wasn't working on older version. well it worked. in 50%. that didn't pleased me. ;-)

ok, I probably should stop writing crap here and continue to work with my favourite class - Old Church Slavonic - just two more days (sic!) (hopefully!) and I'll be done. and after that 'only' Ukrainian grammar and history of Ukraine (17th-20th century) and I'll be completely free 'till next session. I wonder when it'll happen. half of March maybe?
anyway - keep fingers crossed! ;)

3.

2009-02-22T01:32:00.003+01:00

trying to make things better doesn't necessary mean success. for about two hours i'm trying to upgrade wordpress on my Polish blog. it's slow process and I have no idea why it is so. errors keep popping all the time. i'm bit sick of it. and curse too much...

i've exported all of my posts into file on my harddisc, but I can't even imagine downloading the whole script into server once again. I hope I won't be forced to write my thoughts only here! ;) it'd be good for my english, but I suppose I never'll be able to express myself in English as well as in Polish. of course I'd like to, but is it possible?

leave well alone. well, wise after damage, as usually.

exam on tuesday. it scares hell out of me.

2.

2009-02-17T22:31:00.002+01:00

a well-known truth: it's good to be among friends.

but each time I experience it anew. like this evening. with my two friends we spent lovely 5 hours together. talkin', talkin', talkin'...

I don't think it's weird or unusual - we study in different cities and see each other rarely. sure, we have emails, cellphones and such new technologies, but it's not enough. we wrote a lot of emails each week, it has to replace our conversation - but when we meet - we still have enough things to talk about and laugh about. can't compare email and live conversation.

just can't wait day after my next exam - we're going to watch couple movies and also drink a bit bison grass vodka? at least I want ;) as it comes to drinkin' we'll see :) but I'm looking forward to it. I don't know which movies we'll choose. maybe the visitor, although it's sad. maybe I'll offer a dog's breakfast?

but first things first. I should right now be studying Old Church Slavonic. next tuesday I've got exam and I'm a bit stressed. and a little, little pissed. I could have it behind me, but haven't manage to pass classes at the time. I'm trying hard to keep positive attitude. and FINALLY have to start learning. tomorrow, Tomorrow, TOMORROW!

1.

2009-02-12T14:51:00.004+01:00

it's always been hard for me to write first message. anywhere, blog, message boards... I don't know what to write, so usually wrote only my name or simple 'hello' ;)

so...

my name is Karolina. I'm 20, I live in Poland. my hometown is a lovely town near Polish-Ukrainian border - Przemysl. but most time I've to spend in Krakow, where I study Ukrainian Philology on Jagiellonian University.

I'm interested in Ukrainian (obviously) and Scandinavian culture. I want to begin Swedish Philology next year and hope I'm gonna make it! I also love reading books, although read almost nothing during academic year. I listen to the music all my free and busy time, I always have my iPod with me, my music is almost always turned on.

unless I watch stargate series, which is my 'little' addiction past few months. and, to be perfectly honest, I encountered David Nykl's blog yesterday and looked it over and that was kind a impulse for me to establish this pensive ;) besides stargate I also like Harry Potter series, which surely can be seen on the spot (pensive, duh?). I also like House M.D. (well, who doesn't?). hmm... that's chaotic, have to stop it.

so, my primary goal is to improve my English, which is terrible after not using it practically for almost 2 years now. I listen it a lot (music, movies etc.), but don't think it's enough, and nobody wanted to talk with me in English. ;) bad, bad guys.

but here... it won't be a lot of wise writing. it's most writing for me and for my own purposes. and it for sure be sillier than my polish blog, where I do not write some things, even don't know why. I can think, that here it will be different.

so stay tuned, I'll be back! ;)

PS. sorry, my English is bad ;)